owl char breathe
i had a bath tonight and lay in the dark and watched the candles flicker and thought about a letter i would have to write to aisha if i killed myself, and it just started with ‘you will never know how much i loved you - you were so loved and i had so much i wanted to teach you and show you - i a so sorry i couldn’t stay for you -‘
same same maudlin, same same same old words peeled off the walls of my heart we are all writing letters
i loved you so much but i couldn’t stay
i loved you so much but i couldn’t keep taking pills because they were a bandaid on a stab wound and also self sabotage. pills are a fog, and now that the fog has cleared i am staring straight down into the abyss and i can see me, i can see the girl.
when i stop taking pills i feel like i’m back, feel like i’ve re-entered my body. feels like i’m home.
lift the fog and there’s the girl, there’s her baggage, there’s a steaming bathtub in the dark and stretching dripping limbs, composing suicide notes in her head.
this whole process is tedious
waiting to wake up one day and be happy
id rather not payyyyyy any attention to it all, there have been enough newspaper inches devoted to this shit, i am so fucking over it i am mad as hell and not gonna take it any more so i guess it turns into balls against the wall successismyonlymotherfuckingoption kinda of time.
in the interest of honesty ad being openand real in one space at least,on ething that i’m not doing for other people or is at the risk of being seen by other people